Starting to Move On

I woke up from a dream that made me realize my insecurities about having sex with mystery man too soon.  I started to wonder whether that was maybe the reason why he doesn’t respect me or like me enough to be with me.  It’s my worst fear that he finds someone else that he actually respects and wants to be with because she makes him work harder for it or she has something that I just couldn’t possibly have.

I keep forgetting that I’m the one that wanted to end this relationship that I had been so unfulfilled in.  It really shows how a strong physical connection can make me so blinded to all the wrongs that he has done to me.  I am starting to feel myself shift mentally from asking whether there could be a chance that we could be together, and whether he could change his mind to starting to accept that that would never happen.  And even in the slim chance that it could happen, it doesn’t matter because it would just be healthier and more logical for me to assume that it won’t.  I feel like I’m finally starting to move forward.

I can’t fall back into thinking that things could go back to the way that it was before.  And I don’t want it to go back to the way that it was before anyway.  I was unhappy about the way he treated me, insecure about the relationship, anxious when he doesn’t respond to me, and jealous when he was flirting with other girls.  I had told my friends that in the six months that I’ve known him, I don’t think I’ve ever been so jealous before, ever.  I can’t say that I knew what it felt to feel jealous until I met mystery man.  He just took jealousy to the next level for me.

What has really helped me is telling all of my close friends and family about what happened.  Each and every time, I get to listen to myself explain the same ridiculous story about how I had to put up with so much from him.  At this point, if I even did let him re-enter my life, I would have to answer to my close friends and family why I would allow this guy to continue to disrespect me.  My friends and family have been so good to me.  My cousin has gutted my place and decluttered everything, gotten rid of all of his photos and anything that might remind me of him, and she stayed over last weekend partly to make sure that I don’t let him stay over again.

I am starting to see now that this is a blessing.  I am opening myself up to receive something better because seriously, there’s not much worse than the toxic relationship that I went through.

I know that as I begin to move on, he is likely only starting to realize what he has loss.  I just understand that is how men work.  And whether I decide to participate in the upcoming social events where I’ll likely see him, I need to stay strong and continue to remind myself of that.


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