Don’t Forget The Bad Stuff

I saw mystery man at a holiday party yesterday and I was so relieved that he didn’t bring that same girl that flirted with him last time.  He immediately gravitated towards me and I had him put away the wine that I was carrying.  He tried to act as normal around me as possible, but I can tell that he was trying to reestablish our connection by making inside jokes with me.  Honestly, I can’t recall the last time he tried so hard to connect with me at one of these parties, and I guess it’s because we knew we would be going home together anyway.

He didn’t flirt with anyone during this party and I noticed that he spoke mainly to other guys.  At one point, there was this guy who was talking to me for a long time and I can see that it caught the attention of mystery man.  We had a private moment together, which he initiated and he asked how my week off was going.  Excuse me?  It’s not like we were taking a break, we literally broke-up.  I said I hung out with some friends, and he said he saw this on his Facebook feed.  I joked that he was stalking me.

I left the party early, and he noticed as I put on my jacket and was about to leave.  He put his arms around my waist and asked if he could crash on my couch.  I said no because my cousin was staying over and she hates him now (after I told her about our break-up).  He asked why I told her, and I said it was because I was upset about it.  I gently removed his arm around my waist, and at this point I can tell that he is sad.  He seemed distant and dazed out as I waved goodbye to him, and I think it finally sunk in that things are not the same anymore.  This is the first time that I’ve rejected his advances and request to stay over.

Part of me feels good to be able to establish that we are no longer together, but as I left the party I started to wish so damn hard that he would eventually be able to see that I am worth investing efforts into.  As I looked at him at the party, I tried to convince myself that he isn’t all that great looking, but it didn’t work.  The bond that I have with him is still so strong and all I can think about is how much I wanted him.  Everything that I hated about him, and every wrong that he has done to me went out the window.

I woke up the next morning and started thinking about the chances that he might come around and tell me that he wants to try things out again.  I wondered if his feelings of sadness would wake him up and allow him to realize that he needs to grow up.  I felt like I wanted him so badly that I begin to cry again.  I know that most of these feelings are because I had developed such a strong bond with him, and had become so attached to him physically.  I think about how we have so much in common, and how our personalities compliment each other and how I am able to understand him and accept him as a person.

I feel the sting of his words, how he told me he is just too busy and cannot prioritize a relationship.  I interpreted as him saying that he just isn’t that into me, and start to think about him meeting the right girl who is everything that I am not and who is actually the right person for him.  This is my worst fear; him finding a girl that he wants everything to do with and that girl is not me.  It makes me feel insecure.

What I forget however, is how awful it made me feel to be with him, his emotional neglect, and how he would flirt with everyone.  I also forget that although it is probably true that he doesn’t like me enough to be in a relationship, he did not put in a lot of effort to open up to me and to actually get to know me.  This is the same with most girls that he meets and his relationships don’t last because he consciously makes the decision to keep a certain distance.  His connection with me is likely the closest that he has had in a very long time.  And, why is it that I am just praying that he’d change his mind about me, because it’s not like I’ve changed my mind about him being a terrible partner!  It doesn’t seem possible that such drastic change can happen in just a few weeks.

I want to be able to be his friend, but it’s difficult for me to distinguish what I want as friendship from desperation to have him see the value that I could add to his life as a girlfriend.  Perhaps, I need more time, but how do I balance out time and us losing the bond that we currently have?  I’ve never been friends with an ex before and it is something that I think that want to have with mystery man since we do have so many mutual friends.

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2 thoughts on “Don’t Forget The Bad Stuff

  1. I’m struggling w being friends with my ex as well…..I still have feelings and although we get on very well, it stings to be in the friend zone after we have been through so much….

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