I’m at the point of the mystery man heart break where I’m just sulking. I’m depressed, I don’t feel like doing anything. I can’t work and little errands feel like huge chores. The only solace that I get is from ranting about it to friends and anyone who is willing to listen to me. It’s like my heart is bleeding from my mouth.
My outside calmness from the split is now an internal anger. I’m mad that he doesn’t have to go through the emotional pain that I’m going through. I’m mad that he’s this selfish person who is only looking to have some fun and pass time socially. He’s not looking for deep social connections, but simply fun and careless passtime while he locks down on his career goals.
I’m mad at myself because I see a connection in the guys that I fall for. I love men who have some kind of greater ambition and are emotionally not as available. They’ve invested fully in whatever it is that they want to achieve and everything else is secondary. I find it sexy when a man has a drive to do something greater in life, but these are also the men that are not focused on relationships.
Similar to socks jock, mystery man initiated and came on strong in the beginning but ended up withdrawing in just the coming weeks. For mystery man, this was just three weeks. There is still effort there but significantly less, but enough for me to believe that it’s the beginning of a potentially good relationship. I wasn’t wrong about it taking time to develop these feelings for men, but they can also easily choose that they don’t want to.
I’m angry that mystery man knew that he is not interested in a relationship because of his focus on work. He knew that he would have to eventually move to San Francisco for long periods of time and that he was not willing to be in a long distance relationship. He knew all of this but of course while he’s in the city he’s still a man and wants to have sex and companionship with a woman.
I’m angry that I was nothing more than friends with benefits. He never saw this as a budding romance like I did. He knew that the end was imminent and he was going to enjoy it while it lasted.
I’m angry that he was selfish, purposely not emotionally connecting with me. He was also conservative when it came to spending money on me and he was even selfish in bed. All of these things were common with socks jocks and the traveller. Almost every single guy that I’ve been with and have been heartbroken by are the same in that they knew that their time with me was limited.
I’m not able to see it as just a fun time that we had together. I liked him almost immediately. My commitment to him was much longer than just three months. It was about six months.
I started hanging out with this group of friends that he was a part of, admittedly partly because I wanted to get closer to him. I unknowingly gave so much to this have this connection with him that I thought could be a budding romance.
I saw his flaws, and actually I wasn’t sure whether I could live with some of them. His flirty nature and selfishness was not appealing but I was convinced that we still had so much in common, our career ambition and family values. Unfortunately, those two things were all that he has, unlike me. I hope to have a loving partner with real connections whereas he didn’t have a drive for that.
He told me that if he found out that he had a terminal illness, he would spend all his money on alcohol and hookers. And it is reflective of his priorities. The social group was his way of having superficial connections and a way to flirt with girls and hopefully sex.
Sigh….
I wanted to be the trunk that supported him. I wanted to be inspired by his ambitions. I wanted to be his winning life partner and achieving goals together as a team. That’s what I wanted.
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