It’s amazing the perspective that pen and paper gives. I’ve been struggling all week with my feelings for mystery man and blogging multiple times about it but not quite pinpointing how I really felt. So I took it to pen and paper and here is the full story on mystery man.
Considering that there was a huge gap in my journal since mid-August, I must have felt that things were coming together okay. This is around the same time that mystery man left his ex-girlfriend. Mystery man and I became closer and he really put in the effort to take things to the next level. He would come over, we would cook together and go on walks, brunches, everything. It wasn’t all roses though, it did feel fickle at times. He went through a bit of a withdrawal and stopped asking me out on the weekdays. I thought things were going to end, but it didn’t. I took on some initiative too and then let him take back the lead.
Since his job ramped-up, he began to struggle to find time for me and for his own social life. I backed off, allowing him to initiate. So I focused on myself, my work and other aspects of my social life. He continued to come over on weekends and tried to really find that quality time with me, but I felt that his work stress was difficult to separate from our budding relationship.
I felt the need to re-establish, or rather, establish where things were going, but after much thought I decided not to go down that path. It’s the beginning, things are fun and he’s not quite sure about things, as am I. So I figure that we should just get to know each other.
Despite spending lots of time on weekends together, I found it difficult to have a connection with him. He is not a very open kind of person and doesn’t share about his life as freely as I did.
All of this happened in the shadows and kept in the dark from our social group of friends. What we were doing had a huge risk. He initiated and kindled this romance (he could have just walked away after the initial hook-up months back). I too was okay with keeping things under wraps so that our budding romance would not be under the scrutiny of our mutual friends.
But, as I became more emotionally attached to him hanging out with mutual friends and pretending that we weren’t together started to suck. I was consciously putting in efforts to not talk to him too much, flirting with other guys and all but we would always go home together.
There’s this one girl in our social group that I feel kind of has his heart and it makes me jealous. He always flirts with her and gravitates towards her. I’ve even seen them touching each other’s thighs underneath the table sometimes. This girl is taken by someone else in the same social group. When her boyfriend is around, mystery man backs off – but mystery man s at this girl’s service otherwise, driving her around and even dropping her off at her boyfriend’s place when she gets too drunk.
This girl is pretty and she’s a flirt. She seeks him out because he gives her attention. As a friend, I like her actually but it kills me when mystery man and her walk off together alone for long stretches of time to have their private talk during the events.
I’ve never brought it up to mystery man however, because she’s a taken girl and she seems flirty but her and her boyfriend are devoted to each other. It’s not a real threat to me, so I figure that it’s just good fun. I flirt too, but I feel not to that extent. And again, it’s a new thing so I don’t want to tell him what to do.
I feel like he has a thing for these types of girls (white, skinny), but the feeling is not mutual. They don’t like his type. He also once drove another girl home and she also fits this type. Come to think about it, his one short relationship was with an Asian girl, was during the time when this girl that he gravitates towards went away to another country for a month.
The more I think about it, the more I am realizing that his heart is elsewhere. They have a close bond and he genuinely cares about her. I’m also really jealous that he texts her so often and allows her to text him on a forum that he hasn’t auto-silenced (we don’t have that establishment).
So, she has no idea we are together. It’s a secret… okay maybe not so much. She definitely knows. She enables mystery man to be flirty with her because to her it’s just a really strong friendship bond. I don’t blame her, but I admit that deep inside, I resent her. I can say for certain that one of the main reasons why he has spent so much time with this group is because of her.
I think mystery man knows that I’m a more acceptable match for him. We have similar values, have similar upbringings and we generally understand the demands of each other’s careers. He loves me in the way a man loves his arranged-marriage wife. In a very practical manner, going through the motions of dates. Don’t get me wrong, he is very attracted to me and looks at me in this way. Maybe he even notices that girls like me don’t often get swayed by men like him.
Us being together is practical. He parks at my place and we share cab rides home together. It does feel a little transactional. I cook for him, he helps me with handyman tasks such as changing the lightbulbs. I have felt that he was using me for my place and for some quick and dirty fun at some point when things became more of a weekend-only thing. I don’t know. I also think that he also believed that he could become emotionally attached to me. We would still go for brunches and walks so that made me feel like he was trying.
I’m often playful with him so it’s very light conversations that we have. I asked myself maybe it’s because I wasn’t open enough, didn’t show enough interest in his career. But then I recall when I invited him to my convocation event. Firstly, it was so refreshing to not be around our mutual friends and be open about our relationship. He was my date and we were together that night. My graduating class adores me and praises me and so he got a good glimpse at part of my life. I think we grew a little bit closer because of that.
He started to show some emotions and real affection towards me. I really felt it and it was a defining moment that made me believe that we could grow closer together. I told myself that everything before that was just him being a little slow. Love takes time, right?
Then to my surprise, it took a turn and he’s back to being too busy at work. I made efforts to connect with him, but to no avail. I started messaging him a little more frequently and asked for his help with a car thing. I’m almost certain that he plans his social life around her. His frustrations showed when we were late and she’s already there with her boyfriend and flirting with two other guys. Mystery man and her still manage to sneak away for a bit. He was still pissed and it showed in a face of disappointment as we headed home for the night.
When I invite him to events, outside of the group, he always responds with a “maybe” or “depends” answer. He prioritizes this group ahead and really, he’s only there for that girl. I guess I figure that this girl is in a relationship and she’s not interested in mystery man in that way so it shouldn’t affect me, but it does. He is not emotionally available because of this.
I suppose that when this girl goes home to her loving boyfriend, he takes consolation in going home with me. It’s a rather sweet deal for him.
So now what?
- Part of me wants to believe that he can grow to love me, but I would be disrespecting myself if I stayed with someone who isn’t emotionally available for me. I want to tell him that maybe if he is done with being hung up on other love interests then we can reconsider things… but of course that’s just in my head. In reality, this option means I just cut him loose and tell him that I need to be with someone more emotionally available and that I can’t do this if he does initiate.
- The other option is to just play it cool. I do nothing, I initiate nothing from this point going-forward, and if he asks to stay over I tell him that I just need some time to myself. He’ll know that he’s being rejected, and he can figure out why himself, and will likely come to the conclusion that he hasn’t put in enough effort.
I actually like option 2 better because it leaves itself open for interpretation. I’m not making assumptions about his life, his situation etc. I also seem like less of a crazy person.