Changed My Mind

I think I’ve changed my mind about mystery man.  I’ve been blogging almost daily about mystery man because I just can’t pinpoint why I just feel so unfulfilled.  Am I expecting some kind of grand gesture from him which isn’t happening, or do we both need to learn how to be more open?

I was psyched about trying to be more open with him, but I’m just so frustrated today.  I switched phone numbers, and asked him to call me.  I’ve asked him before to call me sometimes but he never does.  It’s okay, I get it, talking on the phone is not really a thing that guys like to do, but it’s also kind of reflective of his attitude towards me as well.  He says it’s too much effort… wow, really?  He doesn’t do chit-chat.  We see each other about once a week, and maybe it counts as twice because he stays over and tries to spend extra time with me.  I’m trying to justify the level of effort, or rather, lack of effort that he is putting in and I just can’t do it.  I just want to tell him that I find it difficult to have a connection with him, and there really is no point in continuing.

All my doubts and insecurities about this relationship is not a new experience for me at all.  In my very first real relationship, we saw each other just once a week in the beginning because he worked six days a week.  I felt the same way as I did now and finally I geared up the courage to go break-up with him.  So I go and sit outside his parent’s house, in the cold and waited for him to come home.  Similarly to mystery man, he had a bit of a guard and I found it difficult to just pick up the phone to call him – and I don’t think that’s normal in a relationship.  So, he comes home and sees me waiting for him outside at freezing temperatures.  I’m nervous as hell and I tell him that I can’t see him anymore and that things aren’t going to workout because he puts in no effort.

My first boyfriend apologized and said that he would try harder.  I think he even cried, I’m not sure.  We started seeing each other more frequently and the relationship went on for about another two years after that point.  It ended for similar reasons – he wasn’t putting in the effort.  I was always putting in more effort than him, from doing his homework to planning birthday parties for him.  The more and more I think about it, the more it resembles my relationship with mystery man.

I’m older, wiser now and I know there are men out there who are willing to treat me with respect, spend time with me and really put in the effort to get to know me and appreciate me.  I wasn’t looking to have “the talk” with him, because I wanted to enjoy the excitement of the beginning of the relationship… I’m just not that excited anymore.  I’m not looking for a title or him to swear his commitment to me, but I am, right now looking for more effort from him if we are to carry-forward.  I want to feel fulfilled.

I’m just going to tell it to him as it is.  I need more to feel a connection with him, and there’s no point if he doesn’t think it’s worth putting in more effort.  I’m going to be blunt because that’s what it is.  If he does budge then I’d be willing to give him a chance, but it would have to be a significant gesture.  I want this to be just a dispute, as opposed to the end of what we have to be honest.  If he gives excuses then I just can’t accept it.  I’m not going to make the mistake of waiting it out for a few years to see that he really isn’t that into me and not willing to make the effort.

I am very damn scared of the repercussions of leaving him.  We have the same group of friends, and … things will just become really messy.  I knew that though.  I took that risk knowingly.

 

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