New Relationship Excitement and Doubts

A new relationship is oh so difficult because it’s a mixed bag of feeling excited, while at the same time trying to contain it since it’s new and I don’t want to be let down.  I’ve gone through ebbs and flows with excitement and doubts.  I was very excited at first when he started to put in effort, and then I forced myself to question his intentions.  I question it because I find it so easy for me to be blinded when I initially have a love interest.  It is only when I am with him that I feel like I am more grounded and can sense where we are at.

A week ago, I thought about asking him whether he has confidence in where this could be going because in all fairness we do have a lot of mutual friends.  When it came around to it, I didn’t want to ask anymore because even I didn’t know how confident I was in the relationship, so how would he know?  I could just feel that we both needed to scope things out.

As much as I like him, I am mature enough now to see some of the potential hardships that will need to be overcome.  I’ve become critical, for my own sake though.  I’m not closing myself off to being loved, I am just more careful and aware of my emotions now.  I know that I am completely blinded by mystery man, but I bring myself to the point in time when I wasn’t sure about him; what exactly was I doubting about him, and has anything changed?

Initially, I wasn’t sure about his physical appearance.  He wasn’t my type in that department, but I think I gave him a free pass because he seemed like a nice guy that could appreciate me since he did show an attraction towards me.  I really wasn’t sure about his physical appearance, but his persistence and confidence also won me over.  As I got to know him more, I’ve come to realize that he is very emotionally reserved and while this is attractive in a man, it makes it difficult to understand him and what he’s feeling.

My biggest problem with him is that he doesn’t make me feel re-assured.  He is a flirt and he has this ego about him that is alluring to me, as well as the other girls that he speaks to.  I think I would find it difficult to trust someone like him, and I’ve never had trust issues before in a relationship.  I might feel insecure or jealous, but I’ve never not trusted someone to be faithful to me.  I think with him, this would just be a more difficult thing.  Though I am open and willing to overcome these challenges, I’m not sure whether he is.  Does he know how much work a relationship is and is he capable of undertaking that in his life?

We’ve only been seeing each other as more than friends for about a month.  Anything could happen, and I wish I could be prepared for him to walk out on me, but I am not.  I am already emotionally vulnerable because of this, and as I think back to the 6 weeks pie guy, I’m kind of holding my breath to pass that six week mark.  I felt that the “relationship” with the 6 week pie guy where he immediately disappeared at the 6 week mark has scarred me.  It’s like the perfect amount of time to slowly fall into something and right before you can feel secure and start enjoying it, it disappears.  The heartbreak is almost on the same magnitude as a full-fledge break-up.

I’m not prepared for that.  I’ve gone through too many heartbreaks and at some point in the past, I do recall thinking to myself that yes I can pick myself up and do it again.  A break-up, seen in the right light is just an opportunity to fall in love all over again with someone else.  This is maybe the most reserved I’ve been when it comes to falling in love, and it really is because I am really adversed to going through being heartbroken again.

Critique and fear aside, I do see a lot of potential in mystery man.  We are very similar in many ways, we both have good business sense, and are on an endless journey of self-improvement.  Together, I can feel a sense of comfort with him.  Unlike other guys that I’ve dated, I can’t say that we are on the same wavelength – like socks jock and I and how we can share the same level of excitement in our spontaneous ideas, I feel that mystery man is a good complement to my sometimes overly excited self.  He brings me back down to earth, and I like to think that I give him a different perspective in life; one that is more beautiful, stylish and extravagant.  We also share many common values, as we’ve had similar upbringings.

I plan to try to take things one day at a time and be as true to myself as I possibly can.  But, when in doubt, pray, right?  I’m not even religious, but I feel like things like this are just not in my hands!  I like him and he likes me, at least enough to be putting an effort into it… so we kind of throw that together and hope for the best.  But secretly, I want this to work out so much because I really like him and for the first time in a very long time I think I’m ready for a serious relationship that could progress further.

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