I’m a Self-destructive Addict

I’m an addict. I’m addicted to a certain type of guy and once I find one that matches my criteria, I don’t let go. I’ve never stopped liking a guy for his actions. Once I’ve decided that I like him, I’ve always seen it through to the ugly end, till the point where either he snaps or I do.

I’m addicted to the mystery man and I can’t stop. He’s not that good looking, we don’t have much of a connection, he has not shown much interest aside from physical attraction, and he’s disrespectful to me. This is an easy one, I should just get the fuck out.

But that’s not what I’m doing…  Because it’s a bit difficult. We share some common friends and I keep seeing him at these events. Sometimes it’s fine, harmless flirting is what I think it is… Until he brings out that girl that he likes.

It ignites a fire in me and I’m so blurred by this new feeling. I’m almost never jealous, I barely know what jealousy is until I met the mystery man. I feel like he does this purposely to me! My emotional side is just all over the compass and I’ve lost all sense of control.

In reality, outside of my love life I’m actually a really well balanced and rational business person. Why can’t I use even a portion of that rationale in my love life? I know exactly what the rational thing to do is:

If I completely stop seeing him, I may jeopardize some new friendships. So the reasonable thing to do is to just pull back on the common events that we attend as much as possible, but not to the point that it would greatly impact my own social life.  I should stop talking to him immediately and stop messaging him, and pull back on my presence in our group chats. I should stop flirting with him, because there is absolutely nothing I could possibly gain from doing that. I should deflect and discourage his flirty behaviour. I should look to find my own way home so that he doesn’t get a chance to drive me and even if he does drive me, I’ll just politely thank him.

I should stop thinking that there is any potential at all that this might work out. And the reason is because he’s not right for me, he’s disrespectful to both me and his new female interest by flirting with us both, he’s 100% not ready to settle down and I would never be able to trust him. Can he change? Maybe, but he’d have to come crawling back as a changed man (highly improbable) . Even then I’m not going to even consider changing my mind about him. I’m going to be and will remain skeptical of him.

What I should be doing is refocusing my energy on meeting new people and finding someone that is right for me and who reciprocates my feelings. I shouldn’t mull over this other girl, who is clearly just his next fling. I shouldn’t be trying to figure out why he’s picking her over me. The reason is because he doesn’t even respect her (by continuing to flirt with me). It’s not even a physical thing because I’m way better looking than her so I should not feel like a she’s better than me.

These things are actually so meaningless. Don’t waste time with this, and be grateful that the answer is so clear and all I have to do is to do what my rational voice knows is best. It’s that simple.

It really is that simple to break this cycle (something that I’ve never done before), and I know that I can do it.

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