Happiness Outside of a Relationship

I was dreading going on this road trip because mystery man was going to be there and it made me anxious. I didn’t know how he would be around me; purposely distant or disrespectfully over the top flirty. Either way, I would be hurt by his actions, was what I was thinking.  Clearly I was over analyzing it, because the whole weekend was just amazing.  We all got along as good friends and it wasn’t awkward.  Mystery man showed subtle signs of interest towards me, in a very respectful way.

Just the whole road trip was not about mystery man, and it was about friendship. It has been a very long time since I’ve felt this connected to a group of friends. Yes, there was sexual tension but it reminds me more of my group of friends in junior high. The sexual tension creates a bit of excitement in an innocent way.

Being around mystery man in this group made me remember that I really don’t know him all that well.  I had put him on a pedestal because of my sexual attraction towards him. I saw him as just a normal guy, who although is confident, is someone who is still finding himself.  His aim is to experience as much of life as he can without being unnecessarily limited.  He is enjoying doing things and meeting people to genuinely get to know them. I can see that a relationship would definitely hold him back from being able to do some of these things that he currently enjoys.

Of course he’s still sexually attracted towards me, and he did show interest in a respectable manner during the trip.  We were watching fireworks and he convinced me to follow him to find a better viewing spot. This involved running down the streets together and he was genuinely concerned about me tripping. He tried to show me the night sky from the car window.  During the rafting lunch break, he pulled me aside and led me up a path for a better view of the river. I think he wanted to just be alone with me, and make me happy because he notices that I enjoy these little natural wonders and beauties. He also showed a big initiative in inviting me to a long weekend trip with our friends (I missed the original invite since I’m fairly new to this group) .

I tried to have a real meaningful conversation with him up at the river viewing site, but he just made jokes to keep things light-hearted instead. I think he has a bit of a tough exterior, or he’s just too pragmatic. I find it difficult to have a meaningful conversation with him.

We also shared some intimate moments when I leaned on him in the car or he had his arm around me or his head up against mine.  Because of the long car trip, we also tried to give each other massages. And it wasn’t over the top.

The trip really allowed me to get to know everyone, not just mystery man better. I spent almost an equal amount of time with everyone. I can say that getting to know mystery man better actually helped me see the real him and as a result, I am less infatuated with him.

In fact, I’m not sure about him. I still like him, but I now see him for more of who he is and I’m not sure if he’s right for me. He’s got a barrier up and his front makes him difficult to connect with on a deeper level. He doesn’t know what the hell he wants with me and I am okay with accepting that. I don’t need him, but I’ll be open to getting to know him better. He has so many opportunities and openings with me. He has an offer to fix my light bulb, and he himself has offered to cook for me at his new place as well as bring me to some restaurant he suggested but I can’t remember. I leave it to him to figure it out and hopefully I don’t get too far into my over thinking. I need to let this one play out naturally and be able to give it patience.

I feel like I’m in such a good mental spot right now that I’m afraid that I will lose that. It’s so easy to get caught up in things. I’m just trying to appreciate this one almost perfect moment. I feel like I’m in my more carefree junior high days again with this group of friends. It’s just so easy to get tilted, but I just want it to last just a little bit longer.

I see photos of socks jock with a new girl and I’m thinking, no I won’t let that affect me! I’m just in such a perfect mental state that sometimes I find myself gushing and spontaneously smiling, especially when listening to music. It’s like I’m in love, but I’m not in love. I’m finally being able to find happiness outside of a relationship.

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