The Social Group

I’m probably the happiest while I am away from home on business trips.  I think it’s because it’s like a temporary escape from my life.  I am a happy person on the inside but the drama that intertwines my life often clouds my perception.  I joined this social group to meet people and in hopes to find someone that I can connect with romantically.  I met the socks jock through this social group, and I can’t deny that our connection was intense, but it burnt out quickly.  It wasn’t my intention to hurl myself back into the group to look for another connection, but boredom struck and I found myself connecting with these many lost souls in this social group.

This social group is a bunch of people in their 20’s and there is just so much going on, on so many levels.  People come and go as they please and it’s like a huge party all the time.  It’s fun, it’s exciting and there’s a lot of very interesting connections.  It isn’t so much an old group of friends (although that also exists), it is driven mainly by new connections.  Aside from it being a ton of fun, I like it because I get a lot of attention from the guys.  I’m going to be honest and admit that I think I’m quite attractive, as compared to the populous mean.  Being part of this social group is like the equivalent of going to the club as a female and basking in the attention given by all the males.  It’s like an amazing boost of confidence.

Hanging out with this social group however is also quite draining.  I don’t want to miss out on the fun time, so I feel compelled to attend.  There’s always a birthday, a going-away party, some kind of huge event that everyone is going to and for a (sometimes) introvert, it can be draining.  Outside of the events, people stay connected through group chats and that is constantly going off on my phone.

I met mystery man, and recently I felt like I’m going to some of these events just to gauge his interactions with me.  First, it felt good to see him and re-establish that connection because it felt reassuring.  But after realizing he was this hot and cold guy, I pulled back.  What I really want to say to him is:

“Hey mystery man, I sense that there’s a bit if awkwardness between us, and let’s just not make things complicated.  I have absolutely no expectations of you.  So, we got together once, but you don’t owe me any courtesy.  And the same goes for me.”

That’s it.

But that’s not how life works.  I can’t just say that to a guy that is deliberately not talking to me, so I have to make peace with the fact that I’m trying as hard as I can to emulate that silent message to him.  Yeah, I know that sounds crazy.

I want to go to these social events, and I don’t want to care whether he is going or not.  And if we see each other then it is what it is.  I have no need for this additional drama and mixed emotion-bag of a guy to cloud my judgement and and negatively impact my otherwise generally happy life.

Unfortunately, it may require some time away from this social group in order for me to reground myself emotionally.  This isn’t as easy as it seems since many of the events require pre-planning… this upcoming weekend will be a whole weekend of fun with a small social group including mystery man.  I’m imagining that he will try to avoid me and being alone around me the entire weekend, or the opposite where he will openly flirt with me and continue to lead me on and further confuse me.  Honestly, I don’t know which side of the spectrum I’d place my bets on.

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