I still think about socks jock very often and it’s because he was such a huge part of my life last year that I think it’s only natural for me to still feel this connection to my idealization of him. I idolized him because there were so many aspects of him that I admired deeply. In ways, I was envious of him and how he lived life. I feel that I was attracted to him partly because of this and now that we are not together it’s like I’m trying to fill that empty hole by attaining those things that I admired so much into my life.
I admired him for the passion that he has in his work, and the excitement that his work gives him. My old job no longer gave me this fresh excitement and so I found a new job that is in many ways similar to what he was doing. He had a passion about start-up companies and such, and here I am, working for a start-up company.
He was fashionable and liked it when others complimented his style. I’ve been purchasing fashion accessories, which is not something that I had an eye for until recent. I also found the female version of the jacket that he often wore, and I bought it. Ironically, the jacket model name was “The Ex-Boyfriend Jacket”. I bought it because I really liked the style of the jacket, although the whole time purchasing I really questioned why I was doing it and whether it would make it harder for me to get over him.
Am I trying to be him? I don’t think so, but I wanted a little bit of that something that he had and this may be my way of getting that part of it. I’m embracing how he has influenced me, and going with it where it feels natural. He has certainly shaped me as a person, and I think I can acknowledge that without too many lingering feelings for him specifically. I certainly hope that I’m not sub-consciously trying to turn into him.