Life changes have been good for me, I am now in a tolerable job that is sustainable and makes me happy and for the most part, I’ve moved on from socks jock. I’m at a point where I realize that my life is forcing me to make a choice: continue living my single and dynamic life or settle down. I used to think that being single was being free, but there are so many restrictions with not being able to have a plan that holds me back from what I want in life.
I met a guy in my social group and although he is not my usual type and not incredibly good looking, I have enough experience to know now that he would be good for me. My nickname for him is the blood guy because he works in a blood lab. Blood guy boldly asked me out in front of the other guys, he takes initiative and I can see that he wants to make me happy even though we’ve only gone out twice. If I keep dating him, I know that it would be long-term and not the socks jock kind of long-term, the real kind with a future. It scares me a little because I like him quite a bit, but it’s different this time. It’s not the head over heels kind of feeling, and not the kind where I’d go crazy if he didn’t text me or if he went away on vacation for a few weeks. It is the stable kind of feeling where I know that he truly likes me. I can’t say that I’ve ever had this feeling in my entire life before, even in my long-term relationships. It’s exciting, but it is not the I’m falling in lust kind of crazy feeling, which makes it difficult to instantly determine my interest in him.
The flip side of the coin is this job opportunity that allows me to travel to major cities most of the time, which I feel almost goes hand-in-hand with living the single life.
Can I really have the best of both worlds? This amazing job that allows me to travel and an amazing boyfriend that doesn’t make me feel lonely and insecure? Perhaps, it’s not about the job and I am actually wondering whether I can actually settle down with somebody.
As I think back at my past relationships, I wasn’t picking the guys that had the potential to be long-term, though I thought I was. There were so many opportunities where I had to choose between the guy that truly had the potential to love me in the way that I wanted to be loved and the guy that gave me excitement instead. I always chose excitement. At the time, the excitement was so attractive that I just had to see it through, but now I know better.
I am noticing a pattern in my behaviour where I would go for the guy that gives me that exciting butterfly feeling: my ex-boyfriend, the MBA guy, the traveller, the pie guy and socks jock. I had reason to believe each one of these guys were different from the other, but they really were not. None of them were ready to settle down as they had very unrealistic aspirations in life that did not involve being tied down in a relationship. In some ways it was their aspirations that attracted me, their bigger life goals and their focus. Every single one of them was the ambitious-type, which I admired but am now realizing is not ideal for a successful relationship because they were not able to prioritize the relationship, nor did they want to.