When he’s not into me

The one thing that I wished that I knew about dating and have only been able to learn through experience is being able to read the signs when he’s not into me. It is a tragic thing for a man to lose interest, and then not to realize that he had a change of mind. I would always notice the signs that he’s no longer as interested, but I would dismiss it because I was too emotionally invested and think that he is too.

I’ve had men lose interest in me a handful of times and I’ve also been on the other side when I lose interest. It’s difficult to tell your significant other and that’s why the signs are subtle. Here are a few hints that I have gotten from men who have lost interest:

– He pushes off meeting with you, is flakey, expects you to come to him more often , expects you to pick him up more often, doesn’t put effort into getting together
– When he cancels, he doesn’t care to reschedule
– He’s “busy” all of the time with work, school, his friends, etc. Or he’s having a difficult time with something which causes him to be preoccupied
– He is too busy for the important things in your life and/or complains about having to go
– He is rather indifferent i.e doesn’t care that you are dating other guys or is indifferent when someone else hits on you
– He doesn’t buy gifts and makes a point out of it by saying he doesn’t believe in that and/or he doesn’t like receiving small gifts from you
– He tells you not to call him during certain times (while he’s at work, if he isn’t responding to messages, when it’s too late, etc.) and you’re not excessively calling him
– He doesn’t try to reach you when you’re away on a trip
– He makes playful suggestions that he’s not right for you or about him holding you back in life, or he says he thinks you’re too good for him
– He starts playing with the idea and joking about having only a sexual relationship with you, that you should just use him for sex
– He refuses to talk about the relationship

Not all of the hints have to be there, and usually just a hunch is enough indication that something may be off. I find it extremely difficult when I’m emotionally involved to admit that he may be losing interest. I used to give the guy the benefit of the doubt… but I really hope that I’m just not as naive anymore.

What I used to do is to test whether he is willing to please me by asking him to do something that would make me happy. I would do this a few times and if the answer comes back as no several times, that’s when I’ll usually get the message. This took a lot of effort and actually a lot of time because if he said no or that we could do it later, it would take me some time to weigh whether the response was indicative of how he felt about me or not.

In retrospect, and also the very much harder thing to do is to simply to do nothing. If he was actually busy then he’ll come around to make time for me if I still meant anything. If it’s the beginning of the relationship, and he wanted it, he definitely should put in the effort to ask me out again.

It’s so easy to say, but when I’m emotionally involved I can make any excuse for him. And testing the waters is something I find very hard to resist, because even if he isn’t as interested he may still be reactive to my actions, which confuses me. I think I am better at recognizing these things now, but of course that’s me saying that without any clouded emotions at the moment.


One thought on “When he’s not into me

  1. I need to save this and come back and read it again and again, especially when a relationship becomes unfulfilling. I always give someone the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes that goes way too far. Great list!

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