Never Send E-mails While Under Distress

I am conflicted in whether I should reach out to socks jock, and usually my friend’s advice has always been to not contact an ex.  If I were my friend, I would agree with that since it is probably the safest advice.  This toxic relationship is definitely over, and there is no need to rehash any of it.  Walking away and cleaning the slate is good advice, however at the end of the day is there no meaning in all of the slates that you have painted on in your life?

Although socks jock has extended his friendship to me, I have chosen not to contact him and he has not tried to contact me since we’ve broken up over video chat.  He asked me how I felt during our last chat and the only words that I can think about was disappointed and sad.  Since I’ve had time to really think things through, I have this urge to just tell him how much he means to me.

I want to tell him that I care deeply for him, and that it has been very difficult for me to emotionally distance myself from the idea of not being romantically involved with him.  My not communicating with him is not because I don’t care, but because I cannot genuinely say that I want to be just friends with him at this time.  He has confided in me about his drug abuse.  I am genuinely concerned about it and am supportive of him going clean.  I know he has a strong network of friends and family to also support him during tough times.  Whether it is the drug withdrawal or change in mindset, I find that his indifference and apathy towards me hurtful.  I did feel that we had a special connection that goes beyond the day-to-day chatter and definitely more than just sexual.

On the other hand, I feel that he should already know that I cared for him deeply through my actions while we were together and the efforts that I put into connecting with him.  He has taken me for granted as a girlfriend and I have reason to have negative feelings towards him.  He has many times shown his indifference towards me, especially in the last month that we were together.  I can understand why he doesn’t want to be with me, because he wants his freedom at this point in his life, and that is selfish!  I don’t believe that he has felt the same level of compassion and love for me as I had for him and so why should I reach out to him to deliver such a heartfelt message?  What difference would it make to him?  And I don’t want him to interpret that I am trying to convince him to change his mind.

I have been open, kind and all these wonderful things to him.  I have never done him wrong in any way and in turn I get rejection from him.  Maybe it is time that I bar myself from any further hurt from him.  I’m sure that his response would be the same.  He would agree with all that I have to say and try to sympathize.  He will stand by his decision nonetheless and his response would actually hurt me, maybe make me feel rejected all over again.

I am mature enough to know that I should not click the send button on any e-mail while in an emotionally distressed state.  I will leave my confusion in my head, and in this blog here for now.

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