The most difficult part of the socks jock break-up is my memories of the amazing time that we had together in Miami. There were a few moments that I often flash back to that are really painful because it was just so perfect. The romantic walk on Ocean Dr. which he suggested after a romantic dinner. It was just so perfect how he just tried to hold on to the moment as long as possible. The other perfect moment was when he came home early from work just to say goodbye to me before I left.
These such perfect moments confused me the most when I thought about his sudden change of heart, but then I realized why it was so different. He was in another city, by himself, having a fairly difficult time bonding with the other guys in the co-op program, and not doing so well at work. When I came to see him, I was his only familiar face and he understood that I was there to see him and explore the city. We may have had work to do, but we only had each other for companionship. For the days that I spent there, I was his world and he was mine. It was simple. There were not as many distractions such as family, friends, school programs and career ambitions to juggle. It was easy for him to prioritize me and for him to be happy to just see my face.
But that’s not real life. Vacation is not real life. Flash forward just one month and he has already prioritized spending his holidays with his guy friends. Coming back to school he has family, school work, guy friends, career ambitions and the way he can choose to spend his time is really limitless. This was the real test, and given these choices he clearly didn’t choose to be with me. He made it immediately clear from the day he came back that I was nothing special. He reiterated it many times, indirectly in both his actions and words before the actual breakup.
Socks jock has always been a man of choice and I can understand that. He’s tall, caucasian, insanely handsome and has a brain. He has a lot of potential, and can get away with taking a lot of risks. Just the idea of being locked down with me forever scared him, not to mention his own personal issues with commitment. There was absolutely no way this could have worked out, despite him telling me that he wanted a deeper connection with someone. It’s impossible to have a real deep connection with anyone if his view on life is a platter of choices that comes and goes.
It is not the first time I’ve gone on vacation with a man. I’ve been on vacation with the traveller, and when we split the surreal memory of the vacation also hit me hard. I’m over that now though. Retrospectively, it was a good memory. I had a fun time and it no longer has as much of a sting as it used to. In time, I can only hope that those vacation memories with socks jock will fade and dull until it is comparable to what I shared with the traveller.