Toxic Relationship

I didn’t realize how toxic my relationship with socks jock was until it was over. Going through my journal entries, I was very cautious in the beginning and let my guard down later on. He texted me everyday, but what I failed to notice was that he texted lots of people on a regular basis. Maybe not as frequently as me but texting was not a high energy expenditure for him. Our constant texting chatter was what I held onto… I thought it was normal since we were in a long distance relationship. We video chatted maybe once a week. I also held onto any future plans.

I didn’t realize how desperately I held onto anything to prove that the relationship was working and that he was continuing to invest in me. This weekend, my guy friend and my girl cousin ditched plans to be with their significant others without hesitation when I told them that I was heartbroken. My girl cousin ditched her boyfriend for a planned dinner two days in a row! I realized that I probably would not have done the same for them had I still been in this relationship. If something was planned with socks jock, I had to go because deep down I knew that the relationship was hanging on by a string. I felt that it was my responsibility to work around the distance and his busy schedule.

If my flights to go visit him was cancelled, I probably would not hesitate to rebook with another airline at full cost. If for some reason I couldn’t go, I would be devastated. It shouldn’t be like that though!!! I was willing to drop my plans to be with him. If we had tentative plans, I didn’t have a backup plan. He didn’t ask for me to be like this but because he wasn’t pulling his weight, I subconsciously did this to myself. The fantasy of being with him was so surreal.

The weekend following the breakup was so difficult. I equate it to going through withdrawal. I mulled through everything to find some truth as to why his attitude could have shifted so suddenly. I yearned for him. I thought about getting back together at all costs. I reminisced about the most surreal experiences that I’ve had with him. And I knew it was bullshit, which is why I had to have my most trusted and objective friends with me.

I thought maybe this addiction to him showed that I was unstable that there was clearly something wrong with me. My closest friends assured me otherwise. They also reminded me to not reach out to him, which was good advice. And as the weekend came to an end, I started to see things clearer.  I was trapped in a vicious cycle in hopes of being with socks jock in a healthy and stable relationship. My efforts were futile but at least now I know that. And now that I know that, I can move from moping around to actually trying to get back to me. The same (or better) state of mind than I was in when I first met him.

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