Letter to Myself

I wrote this letter to myself after socks jock and I broke up. It was the biggest breakup since the traveller, the guy who gave me so much grief that I had to start thia blog as an outlet to share my dating experiences. I loved socks jock so much, but he wasnt willing to give enough of himself to the relationship. I am thankful that I was able to keep it cool even as we were breaking up.

Alright, you’re better than this and you know that. When you first started with socks jock, you were confused but you went along with it in addition to trying to continue to keep the doors open like a trooper! You questioned things when it seemed he isn’t putting in as much effort as you had hoped for. You kept your cool, opened yourself up to have lots of fun despite your insecurities about him being so much younger.

You suffered a lot of frustration and anxiety with personality differences yet you continued to keep an open mind. You were courageous and told him you were dating other people. He asked and questioned your dating motives. You made him wait for sex, and it was an exhilarating wait. But let’s be honest, he wasn’t very good at it. Actually, he was quite selfish.

You didn’t stick around for just any reason. He wooed you with a romantic KFC candlelight dinner. You were led to think you would get romance. You had a right to stick around. He was respectful, but he rarely called and didn’t seem to be able to find enough time to video chat when things became long distance.

The vacations were sweet, and the relaxation was much needed from your job. It’s unlikely that you would have had the chance to ever drive to Key West if it weren’t for him. You also opened him up to lots of experiences. You showed him all the wonderful things about being a foodie in the city, and enjoying foodie events. You made him delicious lunches and cute thoughtful gifts like the monkey lunchbox and his favourite card game, Avalon.

You also had him agreeing to crazy ideas such as photoshoots and making videos together. Although the memories rewatching the videos make things so real, especially when he was away it shouldn’t be forgotten that he was not very willing to put in the effort to make the videos together as he agreed.

He reneged on so many things! A trip to NYC, and a winter vacation were just the larger things. You were really upset when he decided to go on vacation with the guys instead of you for Christmas.

He seemed to have changed as he came back from his extended trip to the US. These once random and kind gestures became less frequent.  He used to rent a car to come down to see you but even still his time was always limited.

When you went to visit him, he tried to appreciate and spend the time with you except sometimes he was distracted. The term he came back, he was completely different. He was no longer the guy that almost teared up and was upset about moving away.

Everything in the last month was just so horrible. He didn’t give any of himself up to you. There was no massages, sex and yet you were so kind to pick him up from the airport and drive him to school. He wanted to split the bill. It was like the first sign of things to come after that. You never split the bill with close friends.

He takes steroids. He feels like he could disclose that and trusted you with that information. It’s also the reason why his attitude could change from term to term.  His withdrawal was tough on you too. His sex drive plummeted and his general drive for life wasn’t there. Maybe that’s why he didn’t do too well on his work term in Miami.

It’s like his crazy is mixing with your crazy.  Everything he did after he came back frustrated you from him deciding to live on campus to him spending all of his time in this program he was doing in addition to his school. Every single minute he was doing something he says. You interpreted his actions as his way of saying fuck off. You wanted to break things off, but was scared that it was your crazy that might be messing things up.

You held your tongue and gracefully  practiced open communication. Again and again, you were gentle yet persistent. He even agreed that you were reasonable, yet he didn’t want to talk about it. He was too busy. You’ve heard this one before, but you tried to be patient.

He said he would try. You tried your best to tell him what you wanted, but yet nothing changed and you got more frustrated.

You deserve someone that appreciates you more, for all that you have to give to a relationship. You can’t sit around and wait for him to throw you a bone. You’re not looking for marriage to him in a few years, and you always knew that. But even so, you didn’t get what you wanted which was an amazing guy that was respectful and WILLING to have fun with you. Sure, you had fun but mostly it was your planning and way too much work to arrange with him. The level of effort that he put in was pathetic.

You’re at different parts of life, sure, but having fun is kind of part of every single stage of life. He wasn’t willing to do things with you that he wasn’t particularly interested in. And he wasn’t protective of you, at least not as much as you wanted him to be. His shortcomings made you feel as if he wasn’t reliable or willing to go out of his way for you.

You resent him, but you shouldn’t. It was pure, in a certain way, but it wasn’t Romeo and Juliet as he suggested. R + J loved each other so much that they were willing to give anything to be together, including their family’s respect and their lives. It’s quite opposite a situation here. The problem really was that he wasnt willing to give up much to pursue the real potential of the relationship.

He wants to frame that in such a way to make himself the martyr like he can’t give marriage in the next few years, but it’s not like that really. You being with him is a testament to that, it’s not like you were naive in that way.

Maybe it’s time to cut your losses. You had some great times, but not as many as you had hoped for. You are well experienced enough to know that there are many men who are willing to give you more. You can’t be with someone who has you waiting or can’t put effort towards you, or openly admit that you are together.

You deserve so much better!  Don’t go for the guy who has commitment problems, especially when he hasn’t shown that he’s willing to work for it, clearly.

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