Maybe it’s me. Maybe it has always been me and not the guys that I’ve dated. I was in a fit of frustration and rage as I was deciding to break up with socks jock. I was frustrated and resentful because I don’t see the efforts that he is putting in the relationship. I woke up with a resolve to break-up with him and I saw no other way. As I thought about it some more, this was how all of my relationships ended. The exact same way.
Even though my delivery of the break-up may be calm, I was always outraged. Every. Single. Time. It’s the same! I need to break the cycle and I’m really doubting whether it is my choice in men or whether it is just me in general. I am high strung and I know it. Maybe my doubt in socks jock is all internal. After all, he has always said he is satisfied with our relationship. He has never done anything to make me lose trust in him. His excuses for why he is busy is legitimate and he still tries to make time to chat with me when I ask. Maybe my disappointment in him is not justified.
I do wonder if it’s all a matter of brain chemistry. It’s hard-wired. As I think about it, I realize that both my parent’s brain chemistry is fucked up and these things are hereditary. My father likely suffers from anxiety himself. He is an extremely smart businessman, workaholic and suffers all of the signs of having a high level of anxiety: borderline alcoholism, and anger rages. My mother, well she and every one of her siblings are extremely high-strung. My mother’s side of the family also has a history of mental illness induced by stress.
I knew that in order for me to be successful at dating, I’d have to “hide the crazy” as I like to put it. With friends and family, if I can’t seem to handle them or if they disappointment me, my reaction is to immediately distance myself from them. I can get along with many people, that’s not a problem for me but that is exactly why I don’t have close friends.
I can’t distance myself from a relationship in the same way. There is only one romantic relationship at a time. I’m a serial monogamist. If this person disappoints me, I let it go until it builds up and I get so outraged that I have to end things. Either that or, if I find them annoying then I can’t even give them a chance.
I mentioned that I took Adderall before. I don’t think that I need drugs, but nothing has made me feel more normal then when I am on this drug. I’ve only taken it a handful of times and I instantly think, yes, this is exactly what it should feel like to be normal. Even having this frame of reference helps, sometimes when I am extremely anxious and am trying to make decisions, I sometimes find myself thinking, “Well, what would I do if I wasn’t crazy?” and my frame of reference is how I think when I’m on this drug.
I woke up planning to end my relationship with socks jock. I won’t do that, and if I did then that would be me allowing my blurred sense of judgement control my life. I will not allow that anymore and this realization is something that I need to keep in mind for the rest of my life.
This realization that I had this afternoon is something hugely profound, and probably the answer that I’ve been looking for all this time. All this time I’ve been daydreaming and dazed, this is what I’ve been searching for. I know that this is just the beginning. I am only just realizing my problem.