My general dissatisfaction with my life is growing and I’m not sure whether it is because of work, relationships, friendships or some other factor that I am not aware of. I am tense all of the time and I realize that I am on a downward spiral and something has to change.
I simply want to do more of the things that I enjoy and less of the things that I don’t enjoy. If I had no fears I would quit my job, leave my boyfriend and start out fresh… but I’m not sure whether that would be solving the problem or just running away from it. In reality, it’s not that easy due to a number of real-life complexities. Maybe I’m fundamentally doing something wrong and I need to face the challenges rather than start out fresh only to end up in the same place.
I use the term general dissatisfaction because that’s what it is. I can’t seem to pinpoint it to any one particular thing. I thought work was stressing me out with the demanding commute and mental stress towards something that I’m not as passionate about anymore. Then I thought maybe it’s my relationship and my boyfriend lacking initiative. Then I think about my friendships with my girlfriends and female cousins and the relationships haven’t been quite so successful either. Maybe it’s me, but I’m not quite so sure.
Am I happy with myself? Actually, I am happy with who I am because I know that I worked hard to be the person that I am today and I am proud of my achievements – it’s my general dissatisfaction with others that don’t meet my standards. There, that was blunt but that’s exactly it. I have high expectations of others, and I expect to be able to rely on them. What I am looking for is someone that can be there for me, should I need it. Someone reliable, trustworthy, caring and is capable. Ideally, I’m looking for that in a significant other, and socks jock is just not that person.
This is one of the main reasons why I broke up with my ex boyfriend of four years. So, why don’t I just break up with socks jock? Well, aside from this one reason, he is still respectful, supportive and I still see him trying to put in effort despite his busy schedule, which is more than the ex boyfriend. I think that breaking up would be an easy out, but actually seeing whether I can change my expectations could be interesting.
At this point, I am almost certain that socks jock is not the guy of my dreams, but maybe I need to drop that notion altogether. Maybe the problem is that I am looking for idealistic people such as the guy of my dreams, or this girlfriend that is completely on the same wavelength as me and willing to devote time and effort at my convenience. Socks jock directly asked me to be patient with him as he gets over this busy hump in his life and maybe I should take a leap of faith and do just that.