Things with socks jock are going down hill quickly. We’ve been together for nearly a year, with a 4 month long distance period in there and now he’s back, sort of. He’s still a 1.5 hour drive away and in the dead of winter, the back and forth could be rather tedious. Distance aside, the sex is practically non-existent. His hormonal fluctuations are to blame, and although I was initially okay with this, it’s really starting to wear on me. Even if my sex drive is not as high due to birth control pills, the built-up tension is still there and I’m certain it is killing me slowly.
Making things worse, he has committed himself to a university program that requires him to be completely committed – this includes living in a dorm cell and attending various events. What was supposed to be an event to commemorate the first time we’ve met, is now just an event that I am holding with random friends at my place without him. My patience with him is wearing and I’m starting to deliberately look for things that indicate that he has me in mind. It is also becoming more clear that we are in different parts of our lives. He is still very respectful and insanely good looking however.
In the meantime, I am afraid to make any rash decisions to end things. The next 6-8 months of my life will be a period of evaluation. I am grasping onto things in my life that seem to hold a lot of potential, however has not really allowed me to be happy. An example of this is my boyfriend who again is extremely good looking and who is extremely compatible with my personality, but his level of devotion is just not there. The other thing that has me down is my job. It has been an accomplishment for me to have such a great job that has great benefits, pay and I even like the people that I work with, but I realize that it is slowly killing me. For both things, I realize that exiting is likely the best plan, however I am not sure and I am afraid that I may just be taking things for granted.
As I write this I can feel my entire body tensing up with built-up anxiety, frustration and sadness. I am trying to funnel this energy into my long-term plan, which includes a search for happiness.