The Fantasy

Women don’t think about sex as much as men and they don’t want it as often.  I went through a phase where this was ingrained in me. I was often accused of having a low sex-drive according to my ex-boyfriend. It went so far that I started considering whether something was wrong with me. Almost never did I want to have sex, and when he initiated, I would be annoyed. I was convinced that I just didn’t like sex and that I would be an old cat lady at one point.

It’s not like I didn’t do anything about it, I did.   I stopped taking birth control pills because I heard that it could lower my sex drive and I continued to reluctantly have sex with him while we were in the relationship. At the time, I felt that it was just normal because I accepted the fact that women just had a generally lower sex drive. Although I did have sex with one other guy before, I also didn’t think it was that much better. I became a strong believer that sex was overrated.

I guess the good thing about having bad sex in a relationship is not ever contemplating having post breakup sex, but I digress. Although I found the idea of sex with my now ex-boyfriend repulsive, it actually wasn’t true that I didn’t think about sex. While our relationship was going sour, I focused much of my energy on work. I worked 10-12 hour shifts at a professional office job. I worked very closely with this one senior manager that treated me with the utmost respect. He respected my professional opinions and was very much a nurturing mentor to me.

I could not stop fantasising about the dirtiest sexual fantasies about him. Every possible boss/secretary porno scene was in my head!  At one point, I was so engrossed in the fantasies that I had to write about them to get them out of my head. I was on a business trip at the time and ended up leaving my hand written stories in a hotel desk drawer. I keep picturing an older maid finding it, reading the stories and getting a kick out of it.

This fantasy started well before my relationship ended, and I figured that it was harmless since it was all in my head. Due to other life events (that I will elaborate on later), I was talking to a shrink. I asked her about this obsession and she asked me whether I wanted to stop thinking these thoughts. I didn’t! This was one of the only sexually exciting thing in my life at the time and I wanted to keep it. These fantasies were my own little secret. It was like having a secret copy of Fifty Shades of Grey, but better.

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